Daily escapes

 Learndirect is a waste of money. According to BACP it will not get me anywhere. I’m cancelling it today. I looked through all BACP accredited courses: too far, too expensive and wrong time schedule. Not for me. I live in Newton Abbot. I have a job already and I’m 46. It’s more then I can bite. Why can’t I be happy just being me? Why do I think that there still might be more that I could do. Is there?

 I started level 3 diploma course on learn direct. To be completed in 10 months. I also want to gain some experience and see where it takes me.

 Day one today. Will see what happens… So I think it went ok.  That was initial chat to make a picture of what I expect from therapy and what could be achieved. Talking through my problems, filling few questionaires. All on the phone, but next time it can be a video call. We would be chatting once in 2 weeks and there would be 3 or 4 CBT sessions available. Will it help? I don’t know. I guess it will help me to gain some perspective. After the chat I went on the profile of one of the councellors and I realised that it’s something what I could do. I don’t want to be a nurse and I don’t want to be a lecturer, but online therapy that’s something I could do surely even as an extra job? Do qualifications and see how it goes? I will enquire what does it take and how much does it cost tonight.

 Follow the light Always the light If you alive or dead Always the light Even when you getting born  Why is so important Not too stay in dark too long  What’s so wrong with the dark Which can’t get any darker At least then you know that you can’t fall any deeper Have I been there yet?  Does it happen to all? Have I been there yet? Not at all  I know that always can be worse But it also can get better  You choose where you want to go You choose? Or is it chosen for you? Maybe some people are meant to stay in the dark? Who would do the dirty jobs Who would die? We all need a dark side sometimes  Maybe it will swallow us all one day? Or maybe not if there is some hope left  I’m just afraid that this little hope is not enough  Do we always have a choice? I would like to say yes, but I think I’ve seen too much Too much helplessness to have hope…

 Escapism takes a lot of space in my life. It always did. Books, audiobooks, films, music, gym or long sessions in the bath, long walks, shopping sessions - it’s my survival tools. My present survival tool is „ I’m just a teenage punchbag” by Jackie Clune. Hillariously written with brutal honesty and sense of humour about daily traumas of middle aged mother of three teenagers.  I can relate to this so well, even if I only have one teenage daughter. I downloaded book and audiobook version. Audiobook lets me do other things and let my eyes rest and book is ok when I have company and there is a chance of a chat so I don’t have to constantly take my headphones off. It’s my one day off this week when I have empty house for few hours so I’m going to make the most of it ( mainly by tidying up and dealing with the laundry) and audiobook will be my company.